I’ve been having some really weird dreams since this challenge started. Vivid dreams where I experience emotions more intensely than I ever feel in person. Mostly anger and grief. Neither of these things are, fortunately, affecting me in my waking hours as of late so I am fascinated (and slightly disturbed) with their presence in my dreams.
My immediate reaction is: I must be doing something wrong. Am I suffocating my mind during the day and it is taking revenge at night? Am I too strict during meditation? I think I am following my breath but maybe I am subconsciously still wrestling thoughts and feelings away before I can even notice them arise. Has this happened to anyone else?
This doubt, and another strange dream, carried over into my practice this morning. I sat down with not much confidence and my mind went wild. I watched myself let this happen. I felt both lazy and helpless that I didn’t work harder to maintain awareness with my breath. I am so hyper-aware of not fighting my thoughts that sometimes it feels easier just let them completely run the show. To take a lesson from BYS yoga class, I need to find the balance between too much and not enough.
Part of me thinks that because of what happened this morning, those 20 minutes don’t count; I didn’t actually meditate. But then there is another part that is gently reminding me that this is the practice; to continue to sit when we feel out of control and to stay present when our practice seems hectic or foreign. I don’t know how tomorrow will go but I am so thankful for the commitment I have made to myself and everyone else doing the challenge because what I do know, is that I will show up and keeping trying.