Fever dreaming

I’ve been having some really weird dreams since this challenge started. Vivid dreams where I experience emotions more intensely than I ever feel in person. Mostly anger and grief. Neither of these things are, fortunately, affecting me in my waking hours as of late so I am fascinated (and slightly disturbed) with their presence in my dreams.

My immediate reaction is: I must be doing something wrong. Am I suffocating my mind during the day and it is taking revenge at night? Am I too strict during meditation? I think I am following my breath but maybe I am subconsciously still wrestling thoughts and feelings away before I can even notice them arise. Has this happened to anyone else?

This doubt, and another strange dream, carried over into my practice this morning. I sat down with not much confidence and my mind went wild. I watched myself let this happen. I felt both lazy and helpless that I didn’t work harder to maintain awareness with my breath. I am so hyper-aware of not fighting my thoughts that sometimes it feels easier just let them completely run the show. To take a lesson from BYS yoga class, I need to find the balance between too much and not enough.

Part of me thinks that because of what happened this morning, those 20 minutes don’t count; I didn’t actually meditate. But then there is another part that is gently reminding me that this is the practice; to continue to sit when we feel out of control and to stay present when our practice seems hectic or foreign. I don’t know how tomorrow will go but I am so thankful for the commitment I have made to myself and everyone else doing the challenge because what I do know, is that I will show up and keeping trying.

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One response to “Fever dreaming

  1. Yea! I had a vivid, strange, kinda tense dream last night/this morning too. Something that has helped me- in a book, I came across the idea that bad dreams could also be a sign that we are ready to take on greater feats in our waking life. Who knows if there’s truth in that or any dream interpretation, but the different perspective at least reminds me to be open to all possibilities and to question my own beliefs and tendencies. Like, why do we tend to interpret dreams in such a way anyway? Know what I mean?
    But anyway.. interesting to hear this stuff going on with you. Dream life is so intriguing to me!

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